


Letter to my Crush

by Secret_Glances



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 20:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secret_Glances/pseuds/Secret_Glances
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim visits Stephanie to update her on everything in his life, because that's how he says "I miss you", that's how he says "I love you".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letter to my Crush

 

There are a lot of things in Timothy Jackson Drake’s life that he never took the time to fully appreciate. Most of the time, he acknowledged the blessing for a moment, only to let the feeling disappear in feelings of hopelessness when he was reminded of how cold the world was – the cruelness of it all. He was always awaiting the day it would all turn to shit again. Looking into the future was hard for him, especially when he was shown one possibility that made him sick to his stomach. It was also hard, because he spent a lot of time thinking about the past, reliving the worst moments of his life. Reliving every moment he messed up, or was completely helpless – useless…there was nothing worse than losing his dad. However, he had been trying harder to not let these feelings overwhelm him ever since Bruce came back, Kon came back…

 “Hey Steph, sorry I haven’t been around a lot lately.”…when Stephanie came back. He promised himself, for her, he would try to change. He would try to look at life the way she did…

“You should understand how it is…”…seeming carefree, and full of endless hope, despite all the disparity in her life. “…okay, maybe not. You think I should have come to visit more often.”

She was always doing her best to be understanding to how he felt, while being weighed down by his opinions, his criticism, and his general craptacular personality flaws. “You’d be right.” She also never took his crap when she didn’t feel like she deserved to.

“I got them in eggplant, I even pissed off a few florists trying to get just the right shade. It’s not official, but I think I’m banned from their shop.” She was a fighter, from day one, in both her life as a vigilante and as a teenage girl. She never let anything hold her back from achieving what she deemed important. Like keeping the mask, even when her jerk of a boyfriend tried to keep her from crime fighting; like having her baby and giving them a chance to live; like learning to read and continuing her education through the messes of her life; like becoming Batgirl, even when no one believed in her; like…like…like…

“I’m still not Batman…” …making sure Tim was O.K., and never letting him look down on himself even when he gave up, “…but I’ll never be Bruce. I promise.”

“Dick picked up the mantle for awhile, but he’s back to being Nightwing. Bruce is training this new guy though, name’s Terry.” She wasn’t even scared of _the_ Batman…O.K…at times she was…especially after that time she slapped him across the face…she had guts…she was scared, but not enough to let him stop her from defending justice, from saving people, from being a hero. She wouldn’t even let the fact her father was an evil villain stop her, no, she would stop him.

“He’s not Robin though. He’s too old for that. Damian still is. I hate to admit it, but the kid’s pretty good.” Stephanie, to her credit, never let anyone get in her way of her goals, or dreams.

“His attitude’s still the same. Still a pretentious brat. But he’s started to have more…” Not even a ten-year-old who liked to ‘pull her pigtails’ and belittle everything about her emotionally and physically… “…more heart. You’d think it was ‘super sweet’.”

...because she probably knew that’s how he demonstrated his love – probably.

“He and Kon have their moments, but he seems to get along pretty well with Virgil.” Plus, she had a mouth of her own. One that could even rival Kon’s and Bart’s. Most of the time, he’d actually be more annoyed with her than with them.

“Not really a friendship I would have expected, honestly. I would’ve figured he and Rose would hit it off, but nope. Still hate each other.” But she had a personality that knew how to get through to people, and open them up. It was what she did to him; she got him to feel more than just happy, sad, or mad. Before he met her, he was just a teenage boy…alright, a genius teenage boy who was also secretly Robin by night. But she taught him how to act his age when he forgot, or older when he needed to. She got him to relax and remember, hey! Friends! Life! Girls! He taught him how to take care of someone, and to be ready to be an adult when the time would call for him to be ready. All those Lamaze classes were good for him too. She even got Damian to bounce around in a bouncy castle – that was a miracle he and Dick were still trying to figure out.

“Bab’s been better. Dick’s been badgering her about the fact she still wears his ring. I think they’re finally going to get married soon.” She was even great for Barbara. She proved to be a great legacy for the title of Batgirl, and someone Barbara could trust to hold it with real strength and confidence…besides Cass of course, she would probably kick Tim’s ass if he forgot how great Cass is.

“Alfred’s been happier. You can tell because he’s been making chocolate chip waffles more often. It’s great, it makes them easier to swallow down.”There are a lot of things about Stephanie he never realized, he wished he could be. Her quirks, her obnoxious humor, her sass, her everything, it balanced out the serious part of him that’s only grown every day. Especially after he lost both his best friends, his mentor, and the mantle of Robin.

“It’s all probably because Bruce finally retired.” When he saw her, in that new Batgirl costume, he was scared. He was honest to God sure he was losing her all over again, he felt like he was losing his everything…

“It’s funny, we’ve always prepared for the day we’d lose him. It’s like we always knew he wouldn’t die of old age.”…but she proved him wrong, and kicked an assassin’s ass right in front of him, helped him solve a case, and held up her own fight without anyone’s help. She always knew how to prove him wrong.

“Guess he can now.” Especially when she turned him down. Stephanie Brown could never resist Timothy Jackson Drake…as arrogant as that sounded, but when she did, that was independence he didn’t realize she really had built up. She had grown to be such a powerful, strong, and confident woman, he didn’t realize it happened so fast, and without him.

“It’s really stupid though, how we think we can prepare ourselves.” But even though he wasn’t always there for her, in the end, she never left him out to dry.

“But we’ll never be ready when it happens.” Never left his side, for forever at least.

“Never.” Until now.

And she took everything with her.

Kneeling by the glittering, black stone, he traced the letters engraved in silver, before caressing the eggplant shaded petals of the flowers he laid down for her. There was a vague feeling in his gut that he was sure she heard every word, but there was that persistent doubt that lingered in his mind. However, he promised he wouldn’t be that way. He vowed he would keep looking forward, and up towards the sky a little more often. If only, to see her, his mom, and his dad, at least.

Normally, he would have allowed the loneliness in his life, and the hole she left in his heart consume him to the point of never ending sorrow. A sorrow that would haunt and creep at him every night, but this time around things have changed. He’d actually become more optimistic, more patient, and kind, even towards Damian. He’s become more like the boy in green tights that she met years ago – only happier. He’s never been good at appreciating what he had in life, always waiting for it to disappear, but this time he wouldn’t do that. He would be grateful for everything she did for him, and everything he still had.

As he stood up to leave, straightening out his clothes, he spotted out a blur of white rushing towards him. She was a vision in white with flowing, light, lovely, blonde hair flying around her face; bright blue eyes glistening in the morning light; and orange rays were reflecting off her gown. He felt his heart skip a beat, and breath escape him. He almost thought, for a moment there, it was Steph.

She ran right past him, and he felt disappointment weigh him down. Her nose was too pointed, her forehead was wider, and her lips larger. His heart ached; yearning for the girl to be her, but when he turned around, watched her fall to the ground, slamming her fists into grey stone…it broke. Mud soaked the bottom of her dress, and her streaking tears ruined her make-up. Her eyes were swollen and red, and there were unbearable sounds of chokes and hiccups as she sobbed and sobbed over and over…“I love you. I can’t marry anyone else…” her words were broken, and almost incoherent, “… _because they will never be you_.” But he understood. Completely.

He spent a second contemplating on what to do…“I need you to come back.”…was all she whispered, before he found himself kneeling beside her, with his arm around her shoulders.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. You’re not alone. What was his name?”

It must have been past noon by the time they were finally smiling, and even laughing. He didn’t know he could really laugh this hard, or smile this big lately, he had been trying, but this felt real. It felt nice.  “God, he’d never shut up sometimes. Especially in the most inappropriate situations! I’ve always figured everyone knew when to be quiet.” The skin around his eyes hurt from all the crying, but his jaw hurt from all the sweet laughter that had been missing from his life.

“I know exactly what you mean. She’d be the same way too. Even in life or death situations!”

“He’d ramble on and on. Especially when he was mad.”

She was young, and no older than probably twenty-five. She wasn’t even thirty, and she already felt like she lost her soulmate, her everything. He could relate, a lot. She reminded him of Stephanie, in the way she’d giggle, or her eyes would light up when she thought something was really funny. In even more ways, that boy she loved, reminded him of Stephanie. In the way, he always held his ground in all her stories, and never let anyone stop him.

“Lemme guess, he made sure to bring up every single time you ever screwed up and suddenly the fight is about something completely different an hour later.” Maybe everything and _everyone_ just reminded Tim of her.

“Ha! Yeah…” It was probably past noon by the time they finally stopped talking, and fell into a silence, a reminder of reality. A wind blew by, the air growing colder, and he wondered if he should say something else. But then she cleared her throat, and in a harsh, broken, voice she whispered softly, “I really hated fighting with him.” She dropped her head solemnly, playing with the ruffles of her dress. Taking her hand and giving it a hard squeeze he muttered…

“I know.”

She gave him a squeeze back, shaking her head, before giving him a sweet smile and standing up. “I should get going. I have a lot of explaining to do…you know…I kind of left everyone wonderin’ and–“

He stopped her, “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Nodding her head in gratitude, she took one last deep breath, kissed him on the cheek, gave a kiss to the grave, and left.

When she was out of sight, he walked back to that stone of black and silver, leaning his head against it and vowing in a loving tone, “I’ll come back soon, okay?”

**Author's Note:**

> "I went to the cemetery today. I sat by your grave and wished that I could move on. I imagined your warm embrace and small smiles. I remembered the look on your face before you died in that hospital bed.  
> As I stood up to go, I saw a woman rush past me and to a headstone a few down from yours. She was wearing a wedding dress. Her makeup was smeared on her face, and her blonde hair was coming undone from her intricate up do. She sat down on the dirt near the grave and clutched the stone sobbing and saying over and over again, "I love you. I can't marry anyone else, because they will never be you. I need you to come back."  
> The woman only looked to be 25.  
> I stood there and watched her, and when I touched my face I realized it was wet. I sat down next to this woman and touched her shoulder. I told her she's not alone. I told her about you. She told me about him. And in the end, we both wiped our tears and went to our cars. I don't think I'll ever see that woman again, and I wish her the best, but talking about you again made me feel close to you again, and for a moment I felt like you were still alive." - Anonymous, LetterstoCrushes


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